Is 58:8

  Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the Lord shall be their rereward. 

  Today has begun exceedingly better. I am no longer empty as I was yesterday. Today, I found refuge in God and have been filled with his love and joy. I have been sitting here listening to my new CD's of Brandon Heath and have been reading two Bibles...haha. One is the NIV and one is KJV. I love how the King James version is written. Everything is so beautifully written.  I feel like I'm receiving the real thing ya know? Nothing is rewritten. Of course, thery Bible had to be converted from Greek and Hebrew to Latin THEN to English. But I still feel like I am receiving so much more than I could with the other version. Brandon Heath's songs soothen my soul as well. His tenor voice and his songs which each have such depth and their own story. Each one of his songs tells a different story about him, so I just want to immerse myself in each one! The angel of the Lord encamps around me..

Sometimes I wonder why it's so hard for me to confront my friends. Frankly, I hate analytical comments or remarks. For instance, if my friend splashes water on me, and I exclaim "You got me all wet!" and they reply with "No, the water did!", that just drives me crazy. It's funny and interesting for maybe the first FEW times, I'll give them that much. But oh. my. word. After a while, I can only 'chuckle' half-heartedly and somewhat smile so. many. times. What am I supposed to say after that when it is said 10 times? It is so annoying. I wish I could just walk up to these persons and just say "Please...stop". Perhaps, more discreetly, of course. Let's just cut down on the analyticism. It's not even sarcasm ya know? That's what they think it is. Ugh. I need to pray about it and really ask God for the right words. 
 By the way, merry Christmas everybody. Hopefully the day went well for everyone. I sort of wish I could say the same for me, except in truth, it didn't. After church, our friends invited us over for Christmas dinner (taking place on 1:00...uh-huuuhhhh) because we weren't meeting any family. Okay I admit, maybe Iwas being selfish, but I really, really was looking forward to a full day with just me and my family. Dad's at work all the time, and my sister's at school. Christmas, nobody was going to be anywhere. But, our parents felt keen on going, so Dad talked me into just staying for about two hours and how we'd try not to stay for the whole day. That made things better so I was actually somewhat looking forward to go. So we went... and left at 6:00. Ugh. I love the people we were with, because they are wholesome, wonderful people. But, their analyticism and physicality can be so overwhelming. I felt so overexposed. I really just wanted to leave after 3 hours, because A, Dad said we'd be out of there an hour ago, and B, all they wanted to do was 'joke' and hold our hands hostage. Now, I mean, they have no idea that what they're doing irritates me so, so it's not like I am mad. Just burnt out ya know? I just need distance now. But it's so hard for me to just tell people hey, look, please stop this... Like, it's not hard, but it's not easy. I feel that when I say it, I have a grip on the things I want to say, and then it all comes right out and I feel confident about it. But it's that high step of starting the conversation with "...............hey......there's something I need to say" or "......about that." . I just miss my friends back in VA. I didn't realize how much I'd actually miss VA. But I mean, we were there for practically six years, which is the longest place we've ever lived. Sure, in the remainder of the time we did live there, we lived in three differents houses, but it was still all in VA. Things are going great here in WA, but I don't know. It's inevitably different. Maybe I just need to blare some Brandon Heath, Sinatra, Mellencamp and Billy Joel. And some good ol' 80's rocknroll.  I hope that this entry doesn't look like some little girl typing to the world her vast variety of selfish obligations. I just had to get this off my chest. I've prayed to God about it of course, asking him to pour down His patience, tolerance, and joy down to me... which definitely worked because I was able to unwind after the whole ordeal. But, my phone mic is dead, so I can't call anyone, I have few best friends, two of which live in VA,and none here yet. Just sort of close-ish friends here. I might have a new one soon. Plus I was able to talk to Mom about this, but I don't know if I said everything I had to say just because I was still trying to unwind. I just wish this Christmas had gone better. This day comes once a year, and it started so, so well, but it just ended with me holding in tears because I was so tired and overexposed. Today should have been filled with sheer joy and praise to God, family gathering and social bonding. But I feel that I had too much social unbonding(I realize this isn't a word) and not enough family gathering... Maybe I just need a hug haha. ahh........ I don't know what to say anymore. This isn't a very organized entry but, it's what I'm feeling. I miss you guys. Your actual funniness and lack of need for such physical touch. Touch is not my love language, so it's hard for me to just have somebody come up and poke and tickle and all...that. Just hugs. Not even a lot. Hand shakes... High-fives. Miss those.  Goodnight.

Lighting of the Beacons

   Are you familiar with The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King's Lighting of the Beacons?  It's when the steward of Gondor refuses to call for aid when war is upon them, and so Gandalf sends Peregrine up to light the first beacon, so that the other linked beacons to Minas Tirith would thusly light their beacons and then Rohan would see and return their call for aid.  
  The light of the Lord is analagous to the lighting of the beacons.  Our light shines and we stand out like peaks of mountains as we spread the Word and show His joy and love down the roads we go, the more beacons we will see light and the more warriors for Christ will arrive for battle.

   I'm really starting to worry. I guess not "worry" per se, but curious. I used to be able to write poetry so easily... I mean, I don't say "easily"as in I would sit down one afternoon and by the end of the day have a poem written. Sometimes that was the case, but writing is something I can never rush or force upon myself. I'm already passionate about it, so why mentalize it as something I have to do?  Anyhow, I haven't written anything in such a long time... it's probably been one month, or maybe two. Every time I sit down, my mind all of a sudden shuts down on me. I start tihnking about other things, completely irrelevant to my original state of mind. Sometimes you have to be irrelevant, though... Sometimes you have to just sit down without any expectations and play it all by ear...or in this case, write it down as it comes before it becomes something forgotten.  I just really wish I could get back into my groove of writing.

I feel like doing nothing but watch Jar Jar Binks and Qui Gon Jinn

  Well today was an alright, very trying day.... I've had a head cold for a few days and today it felt like all of sudden BANG. Settled in cozy up there.  So I got done some writing and Biology, however I did not "get" to Math and History. Today my sickness has been altering my mood so there were a couple times where I had to completely pull myself aside in my head or step into another room and say "God, pour down some of your joy on me... I need this refresher. I need Your joy and Your patience so that I can be considerate and thoughtful towards others and not let my sick feelings control me." I'll say it helped... A lot. I tell you, it was harder than I would've originally thought... Because I mean, when you're sick, you're thinking about YOU and your current state. When I feel this way, usually I'll just want to vedge(?) ...do my own thing... but today... i don't know...I experienced having a cold differently than past times.

My Mind's Epitome of Bliss

Crystal flakes spatter the scene and land like freckles in my hair. A winding course follows me

with each progressing step I take into the glittering snow. An unhurried peace softens my spirits

as my fingertips caress the icy trunks of flocked trees enveloping me. Brawny arms of

evergreens, bearing heaps of unpainted snow, gesture for me to come nearer. I can hear each

crunch as my feet break deeper into the newly-fallen sheets of snow. Towering cedars brood over

a frozen stream lying jaggedly along the ground as untainted water seeps from its cracks.

I veer my eyes upward at the sky and realize the dawn has dyed it to a frosty red. Then as I

close them, I breathe in the tingling gust that frivolously wafts the aromas of pine and mistletoe

over to me. The frigid rush invades my chest, whirling and sighing within me. Then as I exhale,

my senses sharpen and I watch the small white cloud of my breath drift off until it completely

fades away.

Inside me, my heart bounds, enlivened by the purple rays cast aslant through the cerulean

canopy. My irises reflect the contrast between the stain of a cardinal against the abundance of

white and the emerald, needled branches overhanging me. I listen as the faint crush of dropped

snow lands on a fallen, embedded tree in the ground, and above, the bare, nodding limb regains

its rightful pose. My nose crinkles as a spiraling snowflake lands softly on it, and a smile slowly works its way across my face as I feel the quiet, chill arrival of another.

 

Realizations...

 Here I am sitting on the couch in my Christmas pajama pants that I bought even though they were in the men's section, watching one movie while simultaneously quoting many lines of others back and forth with my sister. It's remarkable how often those two things coincide. 
 You know, I think Summer Camp was the most amazing thing that's happened to me since moving to Washington. The cabins, cabinmates, worship hour, chow hall, skits, cabin devo, swimming, games...all that... I can't even describe to you all that I felt, realized, grasped... It's as if I never knew how it felt to be a Christian, yet I've been one my entire life. But I felt that this experience let me realize that I am choosing God for myself, not being just led right into Him by my parents. Before Camp, I never knew how it felt to be a Christian... to have that burning faith...holy fire... flaming love. It was such a perfect setting too. A bonfire, my friends that I know who understand me surrounding me, the feeling of being on the verge of laughing, a vast array of stars overhead that were spread like bread crumbs. Then all of a sudden I felt it. My heart beat rapidly and the Holy Spirit spread like wild fire inside my chest. I heard the answer "Yes" ring as clearly as Edgar Allen Poe's poem The Bells cites. And so acting in obedience to Him, I raised my hand.
  Ever since Camp, however, I've been troubled with whether or not a young man, whom I've met slightly recently, is the man God has chosen for me.  I believe I was mixing up real signs from God with inner, selfish reasoning within myself. However, after many, many conversations with my best friend, mom, and deep prayers to Christ, I feel a peace within my core that I've never quite been familiar with before.  The more I cling to God and trust him with my faith, the more He soothes my soul and calms my anxiety about it. And now, as I sit here and type on this ridiculously small keyboard on a laptop that belongs to my sister, I realize that this young man isn't even the man I would choose for myself. This young man, no doubt, is great. He's fan-tastic. I just came back from Virginia and just came back from being surrounded by guys who weren't Christians, who were sleeping around, swearing on a regular basis, and just who had no respect for girls. This young man is the first man I've met that is completely differnet then others I've been around my entire life. He's independent, tough, completely absorbed in the Word and the Lord, plus the killer...he's a cowboy. So... the look kills. But anyway, his plans for the future and his dreams are the complete opposite of mine. He is not somebody I can see myself being in the state of utter tranquility with. Just now, he sent me a message on Facebook and as I finished reading it I realized I wish there was somebody else i was talking to, but I couldn't put my finger on it... and as I was shuffling through the mental manifest of the names of the people I know, I realized that it was the personality I was searching for in the man I haven't met yet. Slightly disappointed by this realization, I logged out of Facebook without even replying to his message. I almost feel bad by this cirumstance because for the longest time, like I previously said, I thought this young man was the guy for me, so I tried hard to pursue him then realized that I shouldn't and felt it strongly from God that I shouldn't, but isn't that how it is, I went and tried not to flirt or pursue him, and there he went. Clearly sweet-talking and making implications. So that was hardest, but now I've been handling those types of situations well. Gradually improving. 
 Time to continually unwind with the Leaving Eden CD by Brandon Heath and the citations of poetry running through my head. Church is tomorrow and it wouldn't hurt to say that coffee just might make an appearance.

Quiet and Quiant

 Right now I am sitting in a state of quietude and depth.  The clouds lay over me with such a flat belly that it almost seems as if they are set upon a glass table and I'm underneath it.  It's six o'clock, so the sky is a quiant, golden hue that brings out the sharpness of the mountains and clouds. Some of the clouds in the distant sky look like ocean waves, islands with trees, and silhouettes. Sometimes I feel the closest thing to heaven on Earth is the ever-changing ambiance of the sky.  The stars...the moons...sunsets..sunrises...thunderstorms....lightning storms...stubborn rain... piercing cold blue of the Fall season... the white sheet while it snows... How each arrival of day has been uniquely different since dawn,day, and night were created.
 It's times like this where I could just sit for hours if Time would let me. If I were to sit right now and stare, think, write, pray, read,..the scene would change within the next 30 minutes right before my eyes, and then before I would know it, stars would come out and the sun will have vanished and the moon would make its appearance.
  I'm a thinker. However though I am not an introvert. But I'm not overnenthusiastic or completely compelled to be outgoing. It's times like these where I wish I could write as fast as I think so that every drop of imagination, of vision, of thought, would be accounted for and realized. Letters aren't enough to morph together and "tell" what I feel, think, process. Paint isn't enough to blend and brush into exactly what I visualize, imagine, or dream. The cello or piano aren't enough to press or pluck to express exactly the inner feel of my heart, the joy over God, or my inner emotion. All these tools are given to us materialisticly and for the world, but it's God who brings our gifts from above to be passionate about. How are we supposed to 'express' our heavenly gifts? I think love and joy are the main two how-to's in this case. You are invincible with love and indestructible with joy.

Letzter Woche.

 I have really enjoyed these last two weeks.  I'll clue you in on why. ;)
   
    Ed, Tina, Payton (my sis) and I have made our own youth worship band for our youth group. Ed plays his acoustic guitar, Tina sings (accompanied by Danielle), Payton makes the powerpoints so that the group can read the lyrics, and I play the piano.  It is so awesome! It's amazing how far I, myself, have gotten with the piano. To think that about 2-3 years ago, I was in a group called REthink and my ultimate goal was to play the piano like my dad. So I took lessons from the church's worship leader, Rich, and so I did that for 6 months, and then one day when Payton walked in the room where I played the piano, she told me that she thought it was Dad who was playing in here. So that made my day. Then Rich told me I could play 2nd keyboard in the worship team, so I did that for a while. Then we moved, and Dad started giving me piano lessons since Rich couldn't (obviously) move with us. ;) Now since Ed was very much interested in a youth worship team, him and I sort of gathered people and now look where we are. =) It's.So.Awesome.
   So, not only has *that* happened, but I've introduced to the Peterson's(Ed, Tina, and Sarah) a video game! Rockband! They really, really enjoyed it. We just bought the Country Track List, and so now I think they will like it even more. 
   Another reason is that I figured out is Aidan flying out 3,000 miiles away to come visit me from the 18th-28th of November. So she will be here for my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Black Friday! I'll get to show her around Seattle: we'll get to visit the Sci-Fi museum, Air and Space museum, and have dinner in the Space Needle...maybe visit Anthropology. There's an old 80's song we really love called Somebody's Watching Me and so Payton and I are going to dress up as Ring Wraithes and she will be Frodo Baggins from LOTR and we're going to make a video with that song playing as the video goes. So we are all looking forward to that as well. I'll get to introduce her to the Peterson's and we'll just get to do a bunch of stuff we haven't done in a long time.
  More reasons to come are apple-picking, applesaucing, and apple buttering with the Peterson's. I love how they know how to make and do all these things I've never done before, and able to introduce those things to me. It's is so much fun. I love being at there house, with them, they're awesome, awesome people. 
  I've been going to the gym with Tina for the past month, I'd say, and we just have a ball. We do a half-hour of weights, and a half-hour of cardio. I love how well she's getting ussed to something I'm familiar with.  I love introducing new people to her (or at least pointing locals out so she recognizes them when she comes). We have a blast, and she always has a comforting, bright smile on her face. Plus, she's sarcastic, which is one thing I love in a friend!
    Wednesday, before Youth Group, Mom and I went to their house right after the gym to help make apple sauce and all that Jazz. They bought a Jeep Wrangler, so of course I *had* to see it, and then what was totally awesome was that they let me ride in it. =D First Jeep I've ridden in. Then, David, one of their little brothers, needed to go to drum lessons, so Ed and I took him and then while he did his lesson, Ed and I went into Starbucks and just talked for a half-hour. That was so, so nice. I loved it. I'm not really used doing things like that with friends.. Usually it's with family... or Aidan... But I've only ever done that with Aidan once, so... Bottom line,that was icing on the cake. Then after that, we picked up Payton and Danielle from school to come help with apples and then Danielle came home with us, so then we tlaked with her and got the house ready for Youth Group... Wednesaday had to be the funnest day of the week. :)
  Yesterday, although the day itself was good, the night was bad because I found out my hamster, Sawyer, died. Old age... I was pretty bummed.. He was the best pet I've ever had honestly.  If it hadn't been for the good day, I probably would've taken a little longer to get over it. I mean, I was pretty much good in a hour after his death. Then this morning, I had completely forgotten about it because of the great time I had at the gym with Tina and then Mom's bootcamp group and Tina and I went over to Starbucks and had fun chatting, and then followed Tina to her house to pick pumpkins. Then my grandmother called and I heard her say "How's Natalie?!" so ... after *that* then I remembered. :)
   So, no long story short whatsoever, but all that including intervals of Brandon Heath, Christmas songs by Michael Buble, and listening to Fly Me To The Moon by Phillip Lomax, made the week well worth it. :)

Today, today...

   Well, I woke up at 6:20 and headed upstairs to get my devotions done and to eat breakfast. Then at 7:30, Mom and I headed to Anytime Fitness and did an hour of just cardo: 20 minutes on the eliptical, and then 40 minutes on the treadmill... Or moreso should be known as the 'treadkill'. I walked on inclines of 10-15, and my calves just about burned to death. But after it's over, I feel so pumped and energized and I'm always happy to have gone through with it.
   Dad has a 4-day this weekend, which rocks... or does it? Because now he can look around the house all day and tell us what to clean! Nah. I'm glad he'll be home.  Mom and I have some things we're going to get done around the house today. We're going to start decorating for Fall. I love doing that, because then  you see all these familiar things that bring you back to previous Thanksgivings and Christmases. All the wonderful memories in even the scent of a candle, and the ambiance of a room that is cozy, ith afgans lid on  the abcks of the sofas, and candlelights flickering giving the room that golden glow.
   This October there is going to be a Christmas Bizzare/Festival at the Tacoma Dome! I am so excited about that. Hopefully I'll get the majority of my Christmas shopping done there. I love the smell of Christmas and Winter. There's even a certain smell that snow can give off, along with brisk air. I love it. Then, in November, one of my best friends is coming down from Va (or up I should say...up and over) and anyway she'll be here for my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Black Friday. How awesome is that? Then in December, Brandon Heath is coming to Wa, and we're going to buy backstage tickets so I can ... (in the no duh category) go backstage and talk with him. It will be fantastic.

Light In Me

Light in Me by Brandon Heath has spoken to me in so many ways. All of his songs have in some way... I just bought his Leaving Eden CD and I have grown to love each song on there. He's coming soon to Tacoma and it would be so neat to buy backstage tickets to see him! Only $30, HECK, I'd spend 30 bucks to see him than a shirt from the Concert that reads "I've been to a Heath concert!" :)