Realizations...

 Here I am sitting on the couch in my Christmas pajama pants that I bought even though they were in the men's section, watching one movie while simultaneously quoting many lines of others back and forth with my sister. It's remarkable how often those two things coincide. 
 You know, I think Summer Camp was the most amazing thing that's happened to me since moving to Washington. The cabins, cabinmates, worship hour, chow hall, skits, cabin devo, swimming, games...all that... I can't even describe to you all that I felt, realized, grasped... It's as if I never knew how it felt to be a Christian, yet I've been one my entire life. But I felt that this experience let me realize that I am choosing God for myself, not being just led right into Him by my parents. Before Camp, I never knew how it felt to be a Christian... to have that burning faith...holy fire... flaming love. It was such a perfect setting too. A bonfire, my friends that I know who understand me surrounding me, the feeling of being on the verge of laughing, a vast array of stars overhead that were spread like bread crumbs. Then all of a sudden I felt it. My heart beat rapidly and the Holy Spirit spread like wild fire inside my chest. I heard the answer "Yes" ring as clearly as Edgar Allen Poe's poem The Bells cites. And so acting in obedience to Him, I raised my hand.
  Ever since Camp, however, I've been troubled with whether or not a young man, whom I've met slightly recently, is the man God has chosen for me.  I believe I was mixing up real signs from God with inner, selfish reasoning within myself. However, after many, many conversations with my best friend, mom, and deep prayers to Christ, I feel a peace within my core that I've never quite been familiar with before.  The more I cling to God and trust him with my faith, the more He soothes my soul and calms my anxiety about it. And now, as I sit here and type on this ridiculously small keyboard on a laptop that belongs to my sister, I realize that this young man isn't even the man I would choose for myself. This young man, no doubt, is great. He's fan-tastic. I just came back from Virginia and just came back from being surrounded by guys who weren't Christians, who were sleeping around, swearing on a regular basis, and just who had no respect for girls. This young man is the first man I've met that is completely differnet then others I've been around my entire life. He's independent, tough, completely absorbed in the Word and the Lord, plus the killer...he's a cowboy. So... the look kills. But anyway, his plans for the future and his dreams are the complete opposite of mine. He is not somebody I can see myself being in the state of utter tranquility with. Just now, he sent me a message on Facebook and as I finished reading it I realized I wish there was somebody else i was talking to, but I couldn't put my finger on it... and as I was shuffling through the mental manifest of the names of the people I know, I realized that it was the personality I was searching for in the man I haven't met yet. Slightly disappointed by this realization, I logged out of Facebook without even replying to his message. I almost feel bad by this cirumstance because for the longest time, like I previously said, I thought this young man was the guy for me, so I tried hard to pursue him then realized that I shouldn't and felt it strongly from God that I shouldn't, but isn't that how it is, I went and tried not to flirt or pursue him, and there he went. Clearly sweet-talking and making implications. So that was hardest, but now I've been handling those types of situations well. Gradually improving. 
 Time to continually unwind with the Leaving Eden CD by Brandon Heath and the citations of poetry running through my head. Church is tomorrow and it wouldn't hurt to say that coffee just might make an appearance.