Lighting of the Beacons

   Are you familiar with The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King's Lighting of the Beacons?  It's when the steward of Gondor refuses to call for aid when war is upon them, and so Gandalf sends Peregrine up to light the first beacon, so that the other linked beacons to Minas Tirith would thusly light their beacons and then Rohan would see and return their call for aid.  
  The light of the Lord is analagous to the lighting of the beacons.  Our light shines and we stand out like peaks of mountains as we spread the Word and show His joy and love down the roads we go, the more beacons we will see light and the more warriors for Christ will arrive for battle.

   I'm really starting to worry. I guess not "worry" per se, but curious. I used to be able to write poetry so easily... I mean, I don't say "easily"as in I would sit down one afternoon and by the end of the day have a poem written. Sometimes that was the case, but writing is something I can never rush or force upon myself. I'm already passionate about it, so why mentalize it as something I have to do?  Anyhow, I haven't written anything in such a long time... it's probably been one month, or maybe two. Every time I sit down, my mind all of a sudden shuts down on me. I start tihnking about other things, completely irrelevant to my original state of mind. Sometimes you have to be irrelevant, though... Sometimes you have to just sit down without any expectations and play it all by ear...or in this case, write it down as it comes before it becomes something forgotten.  I just really wish I could get back into my groove of writing.

I feel like doing nothing but watch Jar Jar Binks and Qui Gon Jinn

  Well today was an alright, very trying day.... I've had a head cold for a few days and today it felt like all of sudden BANG. Settled in cozy up there.  So I got done some writing and Biology, however I did not "get" to Math and History. Today my sickness has been altering my mood so there were a couple times where I had to completely pull myself aside in my head or step into another room and say "God, pour down some of your joy on me... I need this refresher. I need Your joy and Your patience so that I can be considerate and thoughtful towards others and not let my sick feelings control me." I'll say it helped... A lot. I tell you, it was harder than I would've originally thought... Because I mean, when you're sick, you're thinking about YOU and your current state. When I feel this way, usually I'll just want to vedge(?) ...do my own thing... but today... i don't know...I experienced having a cold differently than past times.

My Mind's Epitome of Bliss

Crystal flakes spatter the scene and land like freckles in my hair. A winding course follows me

with each progressing step I take into the glittering snow. An unhurried peace softens my spirits

as my fingertips caress the icy trunks of flocked trees enveloping me. Brawny arms of

evergreens, bearing heaps of unpainted snow, gesture for me to come nearer. I can hear each

crunch as my feet break deeper into the newly-fallen sheets of snow. Towering cedars brood over

a frozen stream lying jaggedly along the ground as untainted water seeps from its cracks.

I veer my eyes upward at the sky and realize the dawn has dyed it to a frosty red. Then as I

close them, I breathe in the tingling gust that frivolously wafts the aromas of pine and mistletoe

over to me. The frigid rush invades my chest, whirling and sighing within me. Then as I exhale,

my senses sharpen and I watch the small white cloud of my breath drift off until it completely

fades away.

Inside me, my heart bounds, enlivened by the purple rays cast aslant through the cerulean

canopy. My irises reflect the contrast between the stain of a cardinal against the abundance of

white and the emerald, needled branches overhanging me. I listen as the faint crush of dropped

snow lands on a fallen, embedded tree in the ground, and above, the bare, nodding limb regains

its rightful pose. My nose crinkles as a spiraling snowflake lands softly on it, and a smile slowly works its way across my face as I feel the quiet, chill arrival of another.

 

Realizations...

 Here I am sitting on the couch in my Christmas pajama pants that I bought even though they were in the men's section, watching one movie while simultaneously quoting many lines of others back and forth with my sister. It's remarkable how often those two things coincide. 
 You know, I think Summer Camp was the most amazing thing that's happened to me since moving to Washington. The cabins, cabinmates, worship hour, chow hall, skits, cabin devo, swimming, games...all that... I can't even describe to you all that I felt, realized, grasped... It's as if I never knew how it felt to be a Christian, yet I've been one my entire life. But I felt that this experience let me realize that I am choosing God for myself, not being just led right into Him by my parents. Before Camp, I never knew how it felt to be a Christian... to have that burning faith...holy fire... flaming love. It was such a perfect setting too. A bonfire, my friends that I know who understand me surrounding me, the feeling of being on the verge of laughing, a vast array of stars overhead that were spread like bread crumbs. Then all of a sudden I felt it. My heart beat rapidly and the Holy Spirit spread like wild fire inside my chest. I heard the answer "Yes" ring as clearly as Edgar Allen Poe's poem The Bells cites. And so acting in obedience to Him, I raised my hand.
  Ever since Camp, however, I've been troubled with whether or not a young man, whom I've met slightly recently, is the man God has chosen for me.  I believe I was mixing up real signs from God with inner, selfish reasoning within myself. However, after many, many conversations with my best friend, mom, and deep prayers to Christ, I feel a peace within my core that I've never quite been familiar with before.  The more I cling to God and trust him with my faith, the more He soothes my soul and calms my anxiety about it. And now, as I sit here and type on this ridiculously small keyboard on a laptop that belongs to my sister, I realize that this young man isn't even the man I would choose for myself. This young man, no doubt, is great. He's fan-tastic. I just came back from Virginia and just came back from being surrounded by guys who weren't Christians, who were sleeping around, swearing on a regular basis, and just who had no respect for girls. This young man is the first man I've met that is completely differnet then others I've been around my entire life. He's independent, tough, completely absorbed in the Word and the Lord, plus the killer...he's a cowboy. So... the look kills. But anyway, his plans for the future and his dreams are the complete opposite of mine. He is not somebody I can see myself being in the state of utter tranquility with. Just now, he sent me a message on Facebook and as I finished reading it I realized I wish there was somebody else i was talking to, but I couldn't put my finger on it... and as I was shuffling through the mental manifest of the names of the people I know, I realized that it was the personality I was searching for in the man I haven't met yet. Slightly disappointed by this realization, I logged out of Facebook without even replying to his message. I almost feel bad by this cirumstance because for the longest time, like I previously said, I thought this young man was the guy for me, so I tried hard to pursue him then realized that I shouldn't and felt it strongly from God that I shouldn't, but isn't that how it is, I went and tried not to flirt or pursue him, and there he went. Clearly sweet-talking and making implications. So that was hardest, but now I've been handling those types of situations well. Gradually improving. 
 Time to continually unwind with the Leaving Eden CD by Brandon Heath and the citations of poetry running through my head. Church is tomorrow and it wouldn't hurt to say that coffee just might make an appearance.

Quiet and Quiant

 Right now I am sitting in a state of quietude and depth.  The clouds lay over me with such a flat belly that it almost seems as if they are set upon a glass table and I'm underneath it.  It's six o'clock, so the sky is a quiant, golden hue that brings out the sharpness of the mountains and clouds. Some of the clouds in the distant sky look like ocean waves, islands with trees, and silhouettes. Sometimes I feel the closest thing to heaven on Earth is the ever-changing ambiance of the sky.  The stars...the moons...sunsets..sunrises...thunderstorms....lightning storms...stubborn rain... piercing cold blue of the Fall season... the white sheet while it snows... How each arrival of day has been uniquely different since dawn,day, and night were created.
 It's times like this where I could just sit for hours if Time would let me. If I were to sit right now and stare, think, write, pray, read,..the scene would change within the next 30 minutes right before my eyes, and then before I would know it, stars would come out and the sun will have vanished and the moon would make its appearance.
  I'm a thinker. However though I am not an introvert. But I'm not overnenthusiastic or completely compelled to be outgoing. It's times like these where I wish I could write as fast as I think so that every drop of imagination, of vision, of thought, would be accounted for and realized. Letters aren't enough to morph together and "tell" what I feel, think, process. Paint isn't enough to blend and brush into exactly what I visualize, imagine, or dream. The cello or piano aren't enough to press or pluck to express exactly the inner feel of my heart, the joy over God, or my inner emotion. All these tools are given to us materialisticly and for the world, but it's God who brings our gifts from above to be passionate about. How are we supposed to 'express' our heavenly gifts? I think love and joy are the main two how-to's in this case. You are invincible with love and indestructible with joy.